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+
+*Where does the General keep his armies?* `In his sleevies.`
+
+*How does a squid go into battle?* `Well-armed.`
+
+*What's the best thing about Switzerland?* `I don't know, but their flag is a`
+`huge plus.`
+
+*Where do you find a cow with no legs?* ` Right where you left it.  `
+
+*Why aren't koalas actual bears?* ` They don't meet the koalafications.  `
+
+`A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled ….  cheese."`
+`The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!" `
+
+*What's E.T. short for?* `Because he's only got little legs.`
+
+*What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?* `Phillipe Phillope.`
+
+`Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That`
+`way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their`
+`shoes.`
+
+`Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.  One shouts to the other, "I`
+`need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're`
+`on the other side!"`
+
+*What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?* `One is really heavy,`
+`and the other is a little lighter.`
+
+*What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?*
+`Same middle name.`
+
+*What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?*
+`Close the door, I'm dressing.`
+
+`"I stand corrected!" Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.`
+
+`I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.`
+
+*What did the left eye say to the right eye?*
+`Between you and me, something smells.`
+
+*Why is England the wettest country?*
+`Because the queen has reigned there for years.`
+
+`It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.`
+
+*What do you call it when Batman skips church?*
+`Christian Bale.`
+
+`A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do`
+`you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it`
+`is!"`
+
+*What do you call bears with no ears?*
+`B–`
+
+*What's a foot long and slippery?*
+`A slipper.`
+
+`Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent`
+`last year.`
+
+`And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."`
+`But John came fifth and won a toaster.`
+
+`I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not`
+`screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.`
+
+*What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?*
+`A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*.`
+
+`They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not`
+`laughing now!`
+
+`Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever`
+`worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care?`
+`I'm a helicopter!"`
+
+`I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me`
+`to stop going to those places.`
+
+*What did the swordfish say to the marlin?*
+`You're looking sharp.`
+
+*How do you make holy water?*
+`You boil the hell out of it.`
+
+*Will glass coffins be a success?*
+`Remains to be seen.`
+
+`I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.`
+
+`Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite`
+`kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."`
+
+*What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?*
+`One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.`
+
+*Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?*
+`He's all right now.`
+
+*What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?*
+`A maybe.`
+
+*Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?*
+`There's no menu—you get what you deserve.`
+
+*What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?*
+`SUPPLIES!`
+
+*Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?*
+`I don't know and don't really care.`
+
+*What do you call the wife of a hippie?*
+`A Mississippi.`
+
+------
+
+I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
+
+I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
+
+My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
+
+My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
+
+Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
+
+A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
+
+The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
+
+My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
+
+What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
+
+My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
+
+I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
+
+Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
+
+I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
+
+Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
+
+I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
+
+What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
+
+Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
+
+Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
+
+Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
+
+Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
+
+When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?
+
+As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
+
+And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
+
+Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
+
+What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
+
+Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? They woke him up.
+
+I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing.
+
+I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster, if anything it made him more sluggish.
+
+Just remember - you never really completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
+
+---------------------------------------------
+
+Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
+A: Stairs
+
+Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
+A: Lonely
+
+Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
+A: A towel.
+
+Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
+A: Because they are two-tired!
+
+Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
+A: Someday my prints will come!
+
+Q: Why was the broom late?
+A: It over swept!
+
+Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
+A: Because then it would be a foot!
+
+Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide?
+A: Because it's too cold out-tide!